~The Adventures of SyFy~

Does anyone actually watch they SyFy channel? It may as well not exist in my world. Now that i think about it, most science fiction/magic/whatever you call that garbage in general...dragons, aliens, wizards...all that is lame to me for the most part. Don't get me wrong, there are always exceptions...but not when it comes to this channel in particular. I often find myself clicking through the channels attempting to find that perfect show that fits my mood rather than settling for a show that I know I like but just may not be pulling the right strings at that moment. I always tend to stop on the SyFy channel for some reason, like just maybe this time something good could be playing, but that's never the case. There is always some really poorly made monster eating people, or a some low rent actor wearing a cape and a beard that's glued on crooked with one side of the mustache looking like its coming off when he makes certain expressions, standing atop a mountain with his tin foil scepter raised in the air chanting some corny phrase that makes the skies open up and lightning flash around him, yet somehow he remains unstruck grasping his lightning rod at such an elevation, thrusting it towards the heavens as if taunting the storm. "Neener neener neener! You caaaan't strike me! III'm aaa Wiiiizard!"... Seriously, who watches this stuff?? How does it stay on the air?? Today I stopped on it once more as a show was starting, "The Adventures of Merlin". Something about the title captivated me and I stopped for a moment to take it in. My first clue that it was going to suck was the wardrobe. Mind you the stories of Merlin are based in mid evil times. These guys were wearing red leather jackets and vests that looked like something Eddie Murphy wore on stage in the 80's. Perfectly sewn seams and elaborate stitch patterns, appearing to be fresh out the dry cleaners. I highly doubt any knights of the round table were strolling into battle in such attire. Their boots had buckles on them that I'm positive couldn't have been made with the primitive tools back then. Did Merlin pull some magic out of his bag of tricks to make fashionable buckles and neon dyes so the men and women of the dark ages might brighten up a bit? I wouldn't put that past these brilliant story writers! Then the bad guy had clearly been using a flat iron, because he totally looked like Zack Effron in all of his pole smoking glory. I was completely amazed a duet didn't ensue in which they sang of slaying Pete's Dragon. Why didn't I change the channel? Crap! Does this make me a science fiction nerd!? Hellz to the NO it doesn't! That's why I'm bashing it on my blog! To get back a portion of the manhood that I feel was robbed of me in those fleeting moments of sorcery and bad fashion! Maybe I'll grill some meat and scratch my balls too just to be sure I'm back to 100%, or put in Green Street Hooligans just to watch Pete Dunham smash a rival firm through a phone booth with authority. Its beyond me how you could watch this channel and not feel like a total tool, a whole box of tools for that matter. If you're reading this and getting upset, that's probably a good sign you have poor taste in television (in my opinion of course). In fact you'll probably put your eyeliner and trench coat on, grab your decorative dragon handled sword you bought off the home shopping network and call your posse of wiccan followers to come to your lair and cast spells and hexes on me that you found on your underground wizard forum. Then I would imagine a rousing game of Dungeons and Dragons will follow until a fight ensues over who's going to be the Dungeon master. May thy sword be swift and thy feet be nimble! Until next time. Turbosauce OUT!