~When and Why~

One question I often like to ask people is, if you could live in any time period in history which would you choose and why? Its really a pretty awesome question, and its always sure to have entertaining answers (unless you ask a turd who is no fun at all and has no capability of using their imagination). It's also a pretty tough question for me to answer when they reply "how about you?". I can't choose just one. I think about it a lot sometimes, and there are always pros and cons to every era I choose. I always think I'm alot more bold than I actually am, so that seems to affect my reasoning's for my choices (although we all know that I'm mostly just the king of my own slightly off centered kingdom and not near the hard a$$ I like to think I am :). Seriously though, am I the only one who thinks about that? Surely not,...you people aren't to good to day dream a little are you? Do it, think about it, it's FUN people! Wanna hear my choices and reasons? NO!??...what the!...Well I don't care! you're gonna! Or you can go read my lame sisters unimaginative blogs about dummies she teaches in college...yiiipppeeeee!...*spins finger in circular motion while rolling eyes*. 1.) Jesus times, first reason being, I think my evolved mind would be able to tell if Jesus was really miraculous or if he was just really tricky for his time. The second reason being that I also think my evolved mind could be really tricky and convince people I'm a wizard or something and rule a nation!..well...that or they would stone me...not a very forgiving people back then. See, pros and cons people. How about we skip way ahead to the Wild West! Yess!! Some of you may be surprised this interests me, knowing that I think country music has sucked for the most part since Waylon and the boys aren't ruling it anymore, and I also think people look like retards acting like cowboys when it's just a fashion statement. Anywho, back to the topic! The Wild West! I think it would have been awesome back then! No rules! well,..none that I would follow anyway, I'd be strollin around with my pistols robbing banks and blastin' fools who pissed me off, blowing up trains, outrunning law dogs, drinkin whiskey in saloons, prolly kickin it with Billy the Kid or some bad dudes seeing who could kill more people and steal more cattle! (of course I'd be the baddest of them all) and I'd probably have a sweet wanted poster with my picture on it, winking, "Wanted, Tanner "The sauceman" Stearman" Dead or Alive $7.50 Reward!"....but....I hate horses, I think they're a shifty animal that can't be trusted, I don't much care for dirt, and I really like showering everyday...it just wouldn't work folks. Next up, the 20's, How gangster would I be? Hangin out the side of my suicide door Chevy in my pimp a$$ pinstriped suit and fedora, latched on to my Thompson sub machine gun firing rounds so fast the barrel turns bright red as I mow down the police chasing me and my squad down! Probably pimping hookers and slingin moonshine, maybe running an underground casino! Pff, I'd be a boss for sure! Problems you ask? they didn't have much help for venereal disease back then...and being the boss I'd be you know I'd be gettin trim! And if we're being honest...its hard to trust people in that lifestyle, and I know I'd be rather mouthy...someone would surely take offense and wack me to take my empire. Then we come to the 60's, ever seen the movie blow? I'd totally be Johnny Depps character from that movie, I'd realize cops were completely stupid to the drug trade back then and see a fortune to be made..well, if you've seen the movie you know all the positives and negatives to that era, if you haven't seen it, I'll slap you the next time I see you until you promise to watch it because its a great story! True too! That kinda goes right on up through the 70's too, which got really gay at the end of that era and started in to the 80's which is when I was born...so I guess I'll stop the daydreaming there for a while. Did you notice a pattern? Why do I insist on being an outlaw, a criminal, a gangster? lol...it's actually a really good thing I was born when I was, because in this age of technology, I'm flat out just too dumb to be a criminal...and to scared of the prison system! I'm willing to bet nobody was trying to poop chute ol' cowboys or mobsters! Nowadays prisoners seem to be totally cool with that, and that ain't for me! You ever watch lockdown? They got gay gangs in there!! NOT cool.... So, when would you choose to live, and why? P.S. Don't forget that Blogspot is complete garbage for stealing the money I rightfully earned by all you folks clicking on their adds! No good thieving scum!! Spread the word! Blogspot is made up of criminals! And the only way to get me to quit bashing them on their own page is to kick me off! Otherwise I'll bash them till I die!! I hate you Blogspot! :)

~love me some mma~

Hello friends! Last night Chris Jones put on another MMA event at the sportzone and with the company of my friend Adam we strolled out to see if we couldn't see us some a$$ whoopings! Is there really any better way to spend a Saturday night? I think not. As we mosied in to the facility, got our tickets, all that mumbo jumbo, we made our way to some seats awaiting the start of the show. We had pretty decent seats to start with, no morbidly obese people sitting next to me, nudging my arm while they eat their super chili cheese fries, no poorly disciplined children kicking our chairs or incessantly whining about wanting candy. It was looking to be a nice evening! Then in a stroke of luck Adam saw his boss who had extra seats at his table and invited us to join him! Bonus! Ringside seats are always lovely! As I often do when in public, I started looking around, just observing the people, there are always exorbitant amounts of interesting specimens at these Topeka events, and they only get more awesome as the beer starts flowing! Easily the biggest douche of the night was the fellow to our right wearing his white dress shirt only buttoned up to just below his chest with his special little dress shoes, what a straight G. Adam and I were complaining at some of the music choices made by the d.j., but not this guy, every time some terrible 80's song would come on you could see the excitement come over his face as he would quickly turn to his friend and start singing into his beer can, bobbing his head back and forth, fighting the urge to get up and dance (although once the beer kicked in he could fight the urge no longer) *sigh*...he was really quite impressed with himself, but at least the 2 of us got quite a few chuckles at his expense! As for the fights, they were pretty good overall! Definitely some good action! One old man got choked completely unconscious, always awesome. One fellow got his face smashed rather well! There were a couple interesting nicknames, "the ninja turtle", "the armadillo", "the wrestler" (which I thought was rather uncreative) lets pause and talk about "the wrestler" for a moment, his pack of followers were sitting directly behind us and cheering there guts out, understandably, and due credit "the wrestler" thumped his opponent rather well and sunk a rear naked choke (it wasn't technically the prettiest but it was effective) but after his fight his crowd (who was rather schwasted at this point) was yelling things still, things like "yeeeah! whipped hiss asss pusssyy!" "20 years old! 20 years old!" "you're the baddest mother f*****!". Now, I totally understand supporting your friends and family, but I didn't understand calling him a pussy or stating his age for all to hear...can't you just clap or something? And I will assure you he is not in fact the baddest mother f*****. If I was to choose someone from last nights catalog of fighters to give that title to, it would have easily been this cat Darion Terry, good grief, that dude is JACKED! And talented! props to the kid he fought, he did better than alot of folks would! But that Terry will be murdering people for sometime to come! Also all of the goofballs who were booing him after he won (obviously friends of the victim) are giant turds, there is no need for that garbage. Have a little class. Overall it was a good fun night, a well done show with good fights, props to the fighters and promoters for giving me some enjoyment on a Saturday evening.

~Double Down~

For the last couple of weeks or so, I've been seeing this commercial for the "Double Down chicken sandwich" from kfc. Have you seen it? It's an amazing commercial, more so the sandwich looks amazing in the commercial, which isn't really a sandwich at all. If you've been living under a rock and haven't seen it, it's two boneless chicken breasts (grilled or breaded) with bacon, Monterrey and pepper jack cheese and some delicious sauce smashed between them! WOW! Now THAT'S amazing! You can see my excitement right? So today my foreman and I were sitting there before lunch and I mentioned how I would like to try it. To my surprise he had the same excitement for it as me....well....not so much...he just wanted to try it, but never mind that! He was in to go grab one with me!! YESS! As we hopped in the truck and started driving for the nearest kfc, 21st and gage, my mouth started watering and I was imagining how tasty this poultry delight would be! CRAP! Construction on gage! seriously!?? DANGIT! "Randy, hit the lights on this truck and hop the curb dawg! This traffic is stupid! ugh!". He wouldn't....I had to wait...and wait....and wait.....and then wait at a stop light....and then wait for a dummy to come to a complete stop to turn in to subway (why do people do that, I could slit a throat it makes me so mad!) and then I waited at another light next to Arby's, smelling something awesome, only making me more excited for my "Double Down"....then I waited at the stop light by family video....finally we hit some open road....and then I had to wait at the stop light at 17th....YESSS! Traffic moving again! We approached 21st street where Randy, being the smooth operator he is, cut through spangles (I hate them for their commercials) parking lot right into the the treasure spot! KFC!! WOOT!! We wandered our way into the building, I couldn't believe it! No line!? Really!??? All this waiting and now I get an express trip to the register! BAM!! BONUS!! "Hi, welcome to kfc, what can I get you today" said a large African American lady who was extremely friendly and made my 5 minute kfc visit quite pleasant. "Ma'am, today I would like to double down! Grilled chicken please" I gave her a big crooked toothed grin. The anticipation was killing me! Could this new sandwich become my favorite guilty pleasure!? By the looks of it on the television I was almost certain it would! She went right back and made it fresh, gently placing it in a brown paper bag emblazoned with kfc logos and folded the top down nicely in hopes of keeping the heat in. "Here you are sir, one grilled chicken Double Down sandwich to go" she said with a big smile. "Thanks! You may have made my day! Have a wonderful afternoon!" As we made our way to the truck I was visibly beaming with excitement, I wanted to peep in the bag and take a gander at this potential food of the gods! I held strong, saving the surprise for when we returned to Fort Residuals. Randy barely got the truck backed in as I flung the door open and ran inside, skipping two, sometimes three steps on the way up! Each gallup sending me closer and closer to tasting my treat! I sat down next to my 52oz bubba keg filled with freshly made city water that is oh so delicious and slowly unfolded the bag gazing in as I pulled the top open. There it is...a box like you would get a big mack in....I reach in and grasp it with a soft touch as if it were the holy grail of fast food. "Here we go" I thought to myself as I lifted the lid!.....what the...wait a second....there must be a mistake...this is like half the size of the one in the commercial...what a mess....my sauce is on the outside of the...why is my cheese all stuck to the wrapper??...WHERES MY BACON!? THIS IS A BACON BIT!.....I calm myself down using zen breathing techniques...now I realize what a effin mess this thing is to eat...this whole sandwich was a terrible idea...good in theory, bad in real life! there is nothing to soak up the sauce so its obviously going to be a mess...what a crock...I ate my sandwich...sitting there in disappointment with fancy sauce covering my fingers and dripping from my mustache, my cheese stuck to the wrapper, and my half inch bacon strip gone with the first nibble...what could have been a steamy love affair has now turned in to butt sex with a fat girl on benefiber....sadly I take the last bite, wash my hands, and sigh, feeling slightly used, fairly dirty, and a little embarrassed...I start therapy sessions tomorrow.

~The Sauceman Cometh~

Well folks, I put some thought into it, and although I'm still pissed about the criminal theft on blogspots part, I've decided to go ahead and keep the blog around. I've been lacking inspiration lately, it's almost like I need to get out more and do some observing so I have something to write about! Yes, it's true, I'm a bit of a hermit, but in all fairness I do keep a rather silly schedule, up at 3:15, and in bed about 7...yeah yeah, keep all your comments to yourself, I already know its lame! Some of you may know, some of you may not, but a few years back I got ordained through Universal Ministries. How bad a$$ is that right?? Me, a Pastor, a Reverend, a Minister, call it what you'd like, I'm not to picky. The problem is, I've yet to find somebody to let me put my title to work. Come on people! Hook a Reverend up! I got skillz yo! I've seen plenty of weddings, baptisms, funerals...all that stuff, and I'm positive I could do it. It really doesn't look to tough at all. Weddings, they're all pretty much written out already! (side note, my booger of a neighbor just left with his sirens squealing...and his puppies are running loose across the street, boy I really don't care for him) You just follow the general "do you take this woman blah blah blah kiss this little hooker" kinda stuff...simple. Baptisms, shoot anyone with a little water and a bible can pull that off, maybe I'll go to Oceans of Fun and set up a booth? Sounds lucrative, and I could eat dippin dots and catch a tan while I'm at it! (I'm rather pastey...really..not cool...who wants to take me tanning? My no good EX sister bailed on me, curse her soul, and I'm to scared to go alone :P) Funerals,...well,...no I won't do those...that's sad stuff..ALTHOUGH, I've really been thinking lately about planning my own funeral and having it all notarized and stuff so that it has to be done how I want it done! (is that possible? could someone do that?) Seriously, that would be awesome! Because you know know if I for some reason croaked tomorrow, there is no way my mom and dad would would have pony rides afterwards and stripper poles on stage with booty dancers while my coffin rolled in on 26's as the sound system bumped Pimpjuice at an obnoxious level...no way...but maybe, just maybe if I planned it all out somebody would respect my wishes. I think I would like a midget to tend to the pony rides too, dressed up like a little cowboy with a curly mustache...yessss....I love it. I do however have a potential wedding, I think they don't have the nuts to go through with it, but I'm crossing my fingers! It would be in a backyard, with camouflage and hunting orange as the colors, G.I. Joes on the wedding cake, and yours truly behind the pulpit with a beverage in one of those naked chick coozies. HOT DANG! Now THAT sounds like a good time!! Tell me you wouldn't go to that wedding, shoot I'd pay $2.73 to go check out somethin like that! Seriously! I mean it would have to be as entertaining as Prairie Dog Town, and I paid like 7 bucks for that garbage! (time out...I gotta poop....)..ok I'm back. It was a decent poop, nothing to shout about. Well...I'm kinda done rambling now I think... Have a fantastic day my friends, and remember...if you see Amy Stearman, tell her she is as worthless as knowledge of rare cheeses

~i hate you blogspot~

Blast! Blast you to hell google and blogspot! I hate you both! So those of you who've been keeping up with my blog may remember that I signed up for this with the intentions of making money from folks clicking on my adds! Well now these douchers have disabled my account do to "invalid click activity"! What the crap is that!? I was up to 60 bucks and they stole it back from me! What a bunch of no good turds! I'm not so sure I have the desire to continue my blog...I will take some time and make my decision....BLOGSPOT AND GOOGLE SUCK BLOGSPOT BLOGSPOT AND GOOGLE SUCK AND GOOGLE SUCK BLOGSPOT AND GOOGLE SUCK BLOGSPOT AND GOOGLE SUCK BLOGSPOT AND GOOGLE SUCK BLOGSPOT AND GOOGLE SUCK BLOGSPOT AND GOOGLE SUCK BLOGSPOT AND GOOGLEBLOGSPOT AND GOOGLE SUCK SUCK BLOGSPOT AND GOOGLE SUCK BLOGSPOT AND GOOGLE SUCK BLOGSPOT AND GOOGLE SUCK

~The Origin of Enemies~

Summer 2001: The phone rings....I ignore it....it rings again...."ugh...who the crap is bugging me?"....I.D. reads: Sister. "What the crap does she want?" I pick it up

TS: what...
AS: I'm coming to pick you up, we're going pawn shopping.
TS: huh?....why?....
AS: shut it, you're coming...
TS: whatever...come pick me up I guess...

This is the beginning, the starting point to a feud that makes the Hatfield's and McCoys look like the Brady family. I rustled around my bedroom, smelling shirts, deciding which one was worthy of wearing for the day, which one will make me look super fly. Theres a knock at the door, its her, "come on!" she says, knowing I don't like to be hurried. Out the door we go heading to some dingy shop, not knowing what in the world I've gotten myself into. I ask questions but she avoids them. As we stroll into the store, walls garnished in beat up guitars, stereo equipment missing knobs, and shelves full of old videos and games, she says "just go look around, see if you can find any good deals, I need to talk to this guy over here for a minute". I'm slightly annoyed but whatever. Off to the corner of the store I head, admiring an old Fender hanging on the wall, volume knob missing, scuffs on the back from the loving caress of a belt buckle through years of playing time. As I wander around for a while I feel a tap on the shoulder, "Excuse me sir, could I ask you a couple questions?"....I reply, "um...ok...i guess..". "What year were you born?". Who is this guy? Why is he asking me this? "1983....". He goes on "OK, do you have any health problems? On a scale of 1 to 10 what kind of shape would you say your in? I mean I can see you're overweight, and your teeth are kinda wack, but is there anything else?". What kind of questions are these? Is this Son of a b**** hitting on me? I mean I do look pretty sexy in this Bill Goldberg Tshirt and jean shorts which have shimmied their way up between my husky thighs...but this is just getting strange. "What you see is what you get dude. Who are you? And why are you asking me this??" He looks away, nods his head in the direction of my sister as if summoning her to come here. "What the hell is going on Amy? Who is this joker?" I'm completely ignored. She turns to him, "So, what do you think"? "WHAT DOES HE THINK ABOUT WHAT AMY!"? Still ignored. I'm getting pissed now. "Well, he's a pretty rough unit, we can't do a lot with someone of this size, maybe if he had some abs and a retainer I could help you out a little more, but in this condition I'd have to say I couldn't go more than 7". "700 DOLLARS!" She exclaimed! "No No No No, 7 dollars babe". I interrupt, "Are you trying to pawn me!!!"?? Before I could finish my sentence "SOLD!". "AMY! GET REAL DUDE! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!? YOU REALLY THINK I'M GONNA SIT IN THIS SHOP EVERY DAY TILL SOMEONE BUYS ME!? OOHH HEEELLLLZZZ NO!". She had a confused look upon her face "Tanner! that's a gooood deal! and I really only need six bucks to afford the backstreet boys album!". I stomped of in rage, right after I threw my double decker taco on the floor for the douche bag pawn broker to clean up. Needless to say we didn't get along very well after that day, not only because of this incident, but because she made me walk home since I wouldn't let her pawn me! To this day she still holds it against me that Lindsey got the backstreet boys Cd before she did. As I walked for what seemed like days, I cussed her the whole way, swearing, vowing that one day I would get my revenge. I would show her I was worth more than 7 dollars! soon my friends, soon she will pay...

~Teaching Hate~

This evening as I was driving home from the gym, bobbing my head to 311 in typical fashion, attempting to keep myself from murdering the many retarded drivers who cross my path every night at this same time. Up to the stoplight I pulled at Huntoon and Topeka Blvd. As I sat there in a surprisingly good mood, taking in the lovely weather, cool breeze and general beauty of spring, I realized that in the island of the intersection was the Phelps clan. Big deal right? Whats new? I should be used to this by now having grown up with this cult in plain sight my entire life, and really I am. I'm pretty much desensitized to it as sad as that really is. Tonight though as I sat watching them, just observing their actions, I noticed that this fat lady in all her Dunkin Donut munching, fag hating glory, was positioning four children with their signs to take a photo of them. Signs reading "God Hates You", "God Hates The World", and "Thank God For I.E.Ds". How depressing, it really almost hurt to watch. These kids were no older that 11, the youngest I would guess was around six. How could you allow your children to be warped and brainwashed into thinking such things? They all posed joyfully, smiling from ear to ear, wanting nothing more than to make this lady, or maybe their parents proud. That's really what it is isn't it? Brainwashing? At such a young age they are so impressionable. Anything you tell them they are going to believe, be it that the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus is real, that the Bible or Koran is true. That God could hate someone simply because they're different than you, blow someone up with an I.E.D, Smoke the world trade center, or rejoice in the sorrows of families to our own fallen soldiers. Truly heartbreaking to me seeing these kids, knowing as they get older they will have these obstacles to overcome, or succumb to. Will they be hate mongers like their parents, Spreading this festering disease as they have been taught? Or will they have long sleepless nights wrestling with what is and isn't true, wondering why their parents would ingrain these beliefs that are now a part of them, their teachings battling their conscience. So many questions run through my mind. So many emotions in my chest. Poor kids, I just wanna give them a hug, something...they don't understand the weight of the words upon the signs they hold. What a shame. For the record we know I'm no Saint, correct? But I wouldn't put a kid in position like that...no way, never. My apologies to those who tuned in for a chuckle, hopefully next time my friends. :)

~UFC 112 and Loud Mouth Ladies~

As an avid fan of mixed martial arts, it's extremely rare that I will miss a chance to watch a fight card, even when it may seem lackluster to some because it doesn't have Chuck Liddell on it. (these would be your turd fans who have really pointy super gelled hair and 6 pieces of Tapout clothing covering there bodies yet couldn't even tell you rules, they simply watch because its become fashionable) Yesterday was UFC 112, it looked to be a sweet card, 2 title fights, the first show in the U.A.E, (Abu Dhabi to be exact), and the UFC's first outdoor card. I myself was pretty pumped to watch. Anderson Silva is widely regarded as the best pound for pound fighter in MMA (although i believe its Georges St. Pierre) and he was defending his title against Demian Maia, a five time world jujitsu champion with grappling credentials I'm not even going to try to list because it would take forever. Anderson is dominant, absolutely a phenomenal striker and holds a black belt in jujitsu himself, there has yet to be someone who can stand and trade blows with him without being made to look silly, I'm not exaggerating at all, he's absolutely sick, he went up a weight class and destroyed a previous champion in Forrest Griffin, knocked him out with a jab dude!! Holy cow!! The fight however had the ability to either become a highlight real finish, or a snoozer (which has happened in past Silva fights) since Maia doesn't have the striking prowess to tango with Silva, and probably would struggle to get him to the ground where he stood a chance to win. The latter was the case. It started out interesting with Silva showing his dominance, landing blows at will and battering Maia, dancing around the ring toying with him as if he were fighting a two year old. Then it happened, middle of the third round he became the turd that I had wasted money on two other times, just circling around, not wanting to engage now that Maia was finally trying to, when clearly he could have finished Maia at anytime. He went the full five rounds! He was even warned to quit running or a point would be deducted! Even the boss Dana White was completely disgusted by what he saw and walked out on his main event for the first time since he took over as president 10 years ago! In a post fight interview he said he was completely embarrassed and defined the performance of Silva as "running around like a jackass". He even stated that Silva may be the first champion to fight on the preliminary undercard! Only the biggest Anderson Silva fans would disagree, and that's only because they're all over his nuts, dangling from them like they're a tire swing being ridden for pleasure and enjoyment. If you can't tell already, I'm very opinionated when it comes to this sport, this is to me what football is to the guys that paint their bodies and stand mostly naked in sub zero temperatures just to cheer on their team. Its my passion and I won't hesitate to discuss my opinions with others when I believe they are wrong, or unintelligent in the points they're trying to make, I also understand I'm no authority and its usually just my opinion (we know what they say about opinions). Which brings me to last night after the fight. Anderson Silva was to drop a weight class and fight my favorite fighter St. Pierre if he won last night (which he did). I got into a friendly debate over how that fight could potentially go with a friend of a friend who is on Silva's nuts (I'm not hating cause I'm the same way with St. Pierre :). As we were sharing our views, mostly me making him look uninformed (his points were made as a fan, not from facts), his girlfriend apparently didn't enjoy what I had to say, or maybe the fact that her boyfriend was looking ridiculous. Hell maybe she just thought I was ugly and had bad teeth?...Can't argue with logic right? lol. She had been drinking all night and was rather schwasted by this time. All of a sudden she pipes up, as if anything she had to say was relevant, mumbling in a drunken slur as if someone cared..."Well thas juss...yur upinnin..wha du yuuoo know...youu dunno notting" rolling her eyes, fighting the urge to wave her finger with a snap at the end. I was slightly irritated, but it was more funny than anything. So I gave her a giggle and a smirk, "Whatever..." I said. Apparently she didn't like that because she started spewing Spanish phrases. Now I don't own Rosetta Stone or anything, but I'm pretty sure they weren't kind words. Thankfully the boyfriend reminded her we were just having a friendly debate and they left shortly there after.(I don't think she wants to be my friend) What is it with girls wanting to act tough with guys? I mean its obvious I'm not gonna deck her in noodle. I've seen it way to many times, chicks getting up in guys faces and saying they'll whip their ass and blah blah blah...please...really?? They'll probably whip their own ass on the way to the car stumbling on the 3 inch platforms they so brilliantly decided to wear on a night they knew balance wouldn't be their friend and smacking their big loud mouths off of the curb. They only do it because they know they can get away with it. Very annoying, and extremely unattractive on a female. Moral of the story, 1.) If Anderson is going to be a champion then he should perform like one, or at least try to. 2.) Ladies, nobody really thinks you're a bad ass for spouting off at a dude who just has to sit there and take it, it's a complete turn off and you just look low rent. 3.) I need Rosetta Stone... after 3 sour puss blogs maybe I should try and throw in a positive one next? lol we'll see...probably not...****click an add or two if you have a second****it's appreciated greatly :)**** have a splendid day friends! Over. ksssshhhht.

~The Adventures of SyFy~

Does anyone actually watch they SyFy channel? It may as well not exist in my world. Now that i think about it, most science fiction/magic/whatever you call that garbage in general...dragons, aliens, wizards...all that is lame to me for the most part. Don't get me wrong, there are always exceptions...but not when it comes to this channel in particular. I often find myself clicking through the channels attempting to find that perfect show that fits my mood rather than settling for a show that I know I like but just may not be pulling the right strings at that moment. I always tend to stop on the SyFy channel for some reason, like just maybe this time something good could be playing, but that's never the case. There is always some really poorly made monster eating people, or a some low rent actor wearing a cape and a beard that's glued on crooked with one side of the mustache looking like its coming off when he makes certain expressions, standing atop a mountain with his tin foil scepter raised in the air chanting some corny phrase that makes the skies open up and lightning flash around him, yet somehow he remains unstruck grasping his lightning rod at such an elevation, thrusting it towards the heavens as if taunting the storm. "Neener neener neener! You caaaan't strike me! III'm aaa Wiiiizard!"... Seriously, who watches this stuff?? How does it stay on the air?? Today I stopped on it once more as a show was starting, "The Adventures of Merlin". Something about the title captivated me and I stopped for a moment to take it in. My first clue that it was going to suck was the wardrobe. Mind you the stories of Merlin are based in mid evil times. These guys were wearing red leather jackets and vests that looked like something Eddie Murphy wore on stage in the 80's. Perfectly sewn seams and elaborate stitch patterns, appearing to be fresh out the dry cleaners. I highly doubt any knights of the round table were strolling into battle in such attire. Their boots had buckles on them that I'm positive couldn't have been made with the primitive tools back then. Did Merlin pull some magic out of his bag of tricks to make fashionable buckles and neon dyes so the men and women of the dark ages might brighten up a bit? I wouldn't put that past these brilliant story writers! Then the bad guy had clearly been using a flat iron, because he totally looked like Zack Effron in all of his pole smoking glory. I was completely amazed a duet didn't ensue in which they sang of slaying Pete's Dragon. Why didn't I change the channel? Crap! Does this make me a science fiction nerd!? Hellz to the NO it doesn't! That's why I'm bashing it on my blog! To get back a portion of the manhood that I feel was robbed of me in those fleeting moments of sorcery and bad fashion! Maybe I'll grill some meat and scratch my balls too just to be sure I'm back to 100%, or put in Green Street Hooligans just to watch Pete Dunham smash a rival firm through a phone booth with authority. Its beyond me how you could watch this channel and not feel like a total tool, a whole box of tools for that matter. If you're reading this and getting upset, that's probably a good sign you have poor taste in television (in my opinion of course). In fact you'll probably put your eyeliner and trench coat on, grab your decorative dragon handled sword you bought off the home shopping network and call your posse of wiccan followers to come to your lair and cast spells and hexes on me that you found on your underground wizard forum. Then I would imagine a rousing game of Dungeons and Dragons will follow until a fight ensues over who's going to be the Dungeon master. May thy sword be swift and thy feet be nimble! Until next time. Turbosauce OUT!

~The Cannibal~

As some of you may know, I've become a bit of a gym rat in the last few years of my life (although you probably couldn't tell from my squishy body structure). I've been a member of Pinnacle gym for the last couple years, its a great place with good people in charge if you're looking for a place. F maximus and their legion of minions in dew rags and shirts cut up so much that they no longer serve any purpose. Anyhow, my fellow members are awesome, although no matter where you go there are a few bad seeds. Today I'd like to tell you about one of the creepiest individuals I've come in contact with, those of us who know him simply refer to him as "The Cannibal". (He actually has a name, but if you say it three times in a dark room he appears and eats you) The cannibal has been coming in for a while now, though I'm convinced its not to work out, he is hunting..... Imagine this, a man of small stature, maybe 5'5", 120 lbs. A very slender frame with dark hair and pale skin draped over his bones, almost sickly looking like Dennis Quaid when he played Doc Holiday. (its extra creepy when he has pulled an all nighter eating victims and hasn't shaved) A man reminiscent of Mr. Beans "mini me". The first thing that startled me about McCreeperton was the fact that 90% of the time he sits at a machine, he's just gazing at you, nay, through you, imagining what your liver would taste like with a blood gravy drizzled across it. Once I realized he was staring, being the man I am, I stared back! It chilled my bones. He broke his feasting glare finally. "Hmpff, I showed him" I thought to myself, only to find his death gaze fixed upon me in a ricochet action through the many mirrors hung on the wall. I was to scared at this point to test him in another battle of wills. Time went on and more Erie things were noticed about him, such as his use of the gym towells. I know he's not picking up a clean one, he's taking them out of the dirty basket, has to be, because he'll sit in the corner twisting it, sucking and chewing on it as if it were a delicious banana laffy taffy, reaping all of the sweat and skin cells out of it, longing for the day he can make a stew out of human stock and basil. Those of us who fear him know not to turn our backs on him because at any second he could hit us from behind with the chloroform and we could wake up in his dungeon missing our organs, only kept alive by the incredible machinery he has created, technology hospitals would pay millions for. Around you would be various manikins with skin suits slung over them. "Who should i be today?" he thinks to himself. Donnie, the man from the deli? Ron, who's tan skin puts him in a summer mood? Carrol maybe? if he's feeling feminine. When he's in the gym he doesn't talk much, but when he does it's a sound that will send shivers down your spine. It sounds like a hobbit overdosed on helium possessed by the 7 sons of Lucifer. So far I've been fortunate enough not to become one of his victims. He has a list, and I know I'm on it from the way his eyes twinkle and his mouth smirks ever so slightly when he looks at me. On his list I may be, but there are others, others more important than I who top his list. My friend Ryan, he follows him to bars and licks his empty beer glasses once he's left them behind. Lance, my lifting partner, he's buff like Frank Zane and would make an amazing costume for enticing lady victims, he has him fooled into thinking he's "nice". And then there is Dallas, my bff, I think he is next on the list, because the last time they were there together he climbed on the leg curl machine like a seductress on a bear skin rug and picked a big booger all while maintaining deep eye contact as if saying "watch me pick this booger, you won't live long enough to tell anyone". Our days are numbered my friends....

~The Dooshertons~

You know, years ago we had neighbors that were old, so old they rarely left their house, they even had the ambulance come for a visit once in a while. The Shorthills i believe was their name though i couldn't swear to it at the moment. Sure they were to old to keep the yard nice (not like ours is a prize), or pick good colors to paint the house (its brown trim with the sickest most pale green base you could ever imagine), but i can't think of one time that i thought to myself "Man i hate the Shorthills!". Those days are gone. I'm assuming they are probably dead or close to it, atleast wearing diapers....what i wouldn't give to have them back! God bless the Shorthills! Our new neighbors are deadbeats, i can only guess what their last name is...The Dooshertons maybe? Who cares?... Let me enlighten you with a few tales of the Dooshertons. shall we? Papa Doosherton is an averaged sized man, bald headed, slightly frumpy and always frowning. I assume he is a volunteer firefighter or something along those lines, seeing as how he's got a big green four door ford with the light and all that jazz. He must be really proud of that fact because everytime he leaves "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" there goes his siren screaming at the loudest level possible...even in the middle of the night! It boggles my mind because its just rude and i would expect retaliation from neighbors if i was him. Its kind of like that saying, "Don't s*** where you eat". Which leads me to my next point of interest, their puppy mill. Now let me first say that i am not opposed to having dogs at all, but i do believe the animal is only as inteligent as the owner...agreed? These chesters living next to us breed dogs faster than i can blink! The problem is, not one of these dogs have any manners whatsoever....(note Papa Doosherton and his siren). They are constantly running anywhere and everywhere, they steal all my moms seasonal decortations, chew them to smithereens, bark ALLLL night, and the worst....they left a poo on the porch! seriously..?? I can't decide if i should be mad at the dog or the Dooshertons! I've even often thought of leaving them a delicious bowl of antifreeze next to moms wooden bunnies, but then i think to myself...*dude if you get caught...thats bad, no girl will ever wanna bang a puppy killer* so i just deal. I guess i have no quams with anyone else in the family really, other than the fact that they let me feel retarded for waving at them by just looking at me like I'M the dum dum. Definately not a very friendly bunch. Did i mention the house is still the same hideous colors? i thought for sure someone moving in would paint it...but oh well, its par for the course on this street considering one house is red with orange trim, and his neighbors are inbreds. (i'm sure i'll dedicate many blogs to the inbreds, stay tuned ;) I guess thats it for now...i'm hungry...who woulda thought? lol ****reminder*****click some adds my ninjas!*****you don't even gotta read them*****fo ril*****do it***** :)

~Follow The Sauce~

Greetings earthlings, the time has come to change the face of blogging! i imagine if it actually had a face it would look something like Louis from revenge of the nerds...not very cool right? But imagine this, a blog that has the face of Brad Pitt, the dance moves of Rick Astley, and the voice of Ozzy...you know.....mumbling and rambling about, making absolutely no sense yet you're drawn to it and seem to feel slightly less intelligent afterwards. That's exactly what you can expect when you tune in to the sauce of the turbo persuasion! Don't expect fancy things like proper grammar, indentation and punctuation. Don't be fooled to think i will tell you of meaningful things and stories of enlightenment. What you can expect is a solid hunk of paragraph that may be hard to read and take a little imagination to follow. It may at times be offensive and make you hate my guts (get over it) but hopefully you'll get a chuckle at my expense, or most likely at the expense of other people such as Walmart checkers, midgets, turds i don't like at the gym, and Amy, my sworn enemy. Although Amy and I hate each others guts and often plot to ruin each other, there is one thing we have in common, the love of money! :) She so kindly built this page for me after telling me she makes cheese with these blog pages. She writes, people read, and then click on adds which makes her money! pff...deal, i'm in! So here lies my true motive, i want money.....so i'm relying on you, my followers (all 3 of you at the moment), to click on the advertisements! ALL OF THEM! repeatedly....and then do it again! :) In return i will fill this page with meaningless things that may make you scratch your head in confusion, and i will also love you dearly forever!! (ladies get special love) ;) sweet deal right!!??? So join me! Tell your friends! FOLLOW THE SAUCE!!!!!

Wow...

My sister is the coolest human being ever. Seriously.