~Worst Sister Ever~

Gosh could somebody tell my sister to shut her face? daily i'm getting texts from her "blog! gosh! worst blogger ever! gosh!" DAILY I tell you! This chick is insane! Seriously, she likes me so much, and I tell her all the time we aren't friends! I'm like "hey dummy, I'm not your friend"...and then she giggles "hehe oh but you're so cool, lets be friends"....did she not just here me call her dummy??? So the other day she finally had given up and said we would never be friends. What do I do? "Amy, be my friend..." ..its a trap, I don't wanna be her friend, she's a booger. "Why should I?"....inside she is jumping for joy, thinking we will be besties. "Because deep down you know you love me and think I'm awesome"....she really does, I'm not playing her here, just reminding her. "OK!" she exclaims, "We will be the best friends that could ever be!"....I can imagine the proud look on her face at this moment, visions of her and I on a carousel at the park, her on a unicorn, me upon the brave lion. Then I sqaush this image with my size 13, along with all her hopes and dreams of being my friend with one text message! "BWHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! YOU DUMMY! I TOLD YOU WE WOULD NEVER BE FRIENDS AND YOU FELL FOR THIS!!??? BWAHAHAHA YOU ARE SO WEAK, NOT A WORTHY ENEMY FOR THE LIKES OF ME! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! her self esteem shriveled up like a grape to a raisen. It sucked the life clean out of her! One strike and I crushed my enemy! So, be sure to remind her when you see her that I am the sibling who got the best of her and she is the worst sister EVER! And tell her to give me 20 dollars...just because.....I like the rest of you guys though. she's just a buttface :)

~My Poo Poo Poem~

Oh the poo
It's headed south
Made from things
Placed in my mouth
Some eggs, Some oats
Some whole wheat toast
Some cheesy Whales
I love them most
It makes its way
Into my tummy
Some rather bland
Some kind of yummy
My guts do work
And break it down
When its almost time
My butt makes sounds
"HEY TAKE A WIFF!"
My brand is strong
"OH MAN THAT STINKS!"
"DUDE THAT'S JUST WRONG!"
I make my way
Upon the can
Its pretty bad
Flick on the fan
KURPLUNK and sploosh!
The deed is done
Relief at last
I wipe my bum
Goodbye I say
You look like my sister
I'd flush her too
But my mom might miss her

~When and Why~

One question I often like to ask people is, if you could live in any time period in history which would you choose and why? Its really a pretty awesome question, and its always sure to have entertaining answers (unless you ask a turd who is no fun at all and has no capability of using their imagination). It's also a pretty tough question for me to answer when they reply "how about you?". I can't choose just one. I think about it a lot sometimes, and there are always pros and cons to every era I choose. I always think I'm alot more bold than I actually am, so that seems to affect my reasoning's for my choices (although we all know that I'm mostly just the king of my own slightly off centered kingdom and not near the hard a$$ I like to think I am :). Seriously though, am I the only one who thinks about that? Surely not,...you people aren't to good to day dream a little are you? Do it, think about it, it's FUN people! Wanna hear my choices and reasons? NO!??...what the!...Well I don't care! you're gonna! Or you can go read my lame sisters unimaginative blogs about dummies she teaches in college...yiiipppeeeee!...*spins finger in circular motion while rolling eyes*. 1.) Jesus times, first reason being, I think my evolved mind would be able to tell if Jesus was really miraculous or if he was just really tricky for his time. The second reason being that I also think my evolved mind could be really tricky and convince people I'm a wizard or something and rule a nation!..well...that or they would stone me...not a very forgiving people back then. See, pros and cons people. How about we skip way ahead to the Wild West! Yess!! Some of you may be surprised this interests me, knowing that I think country music has sucked for the most part since Waylon and the boys aren't ruling it anymore, and I also think people look like retards acting like cowboys when it's just a fashion statement. Anywho, back to the topic! The Wild West! I think it would have been awesome back then! No rules! well,..none that I would follow anyway, I'd be strollin around with my pistols robbing banks and blastin' fools who pissed me off, blowing up trains, outrunning law dogs, drinkin whiskey in saloons, prolly kickin it with Billy the Kid or some bad dudes seeing who could kill more people and steal more cattle! (of course I'd be the baddest of them all) and I'd probably have a sweet wanted poster with my picture on it, winking, "Wanted, Tanner "The sauceman" Stearman" Dead or Alive $7.50 Reward!"....but....I hate horses, I think they're a shifty animal that can't be trusted, I don't much care for dirt, and I really like showering everyday...it just wouldn't work folks. Next up, the 20's, How gangster would I be? Hangin out the side of my suicide door Chevy in my pimp a$$ pinstriped suit and fedora, latched on to my Thompson sub machine gun firing rounds so fast the barrel turns bright red as I mow down the police chasing me and my squad down! Probably pimping hookers and slingin moonshine, maybe running an underground casino! Pff, I'd be a boss for sure! Problems you ask? they didn't have much help for venereal disease back then...and being the boss I'd be you know I'd be gettin trim! And if we're being honest...its hard to trust people in that lifestyle, and I know I'd be rather mouthy...someone would surely take offense and wack me to take my empire. Then we come to the 60's, ever seen the movie blow? I'd totally be Johnny Depps character from that movie, I'd realize cops were completely stupid to the drug trade back then and see a fortune to be made..well, if you've seen the movie you know all the positives and negatives to that era, if you haven't seen it, I'll slap you the next time I see you until you promise to watch it because its a great story! True too! That kinda goes right on up through the 70's too, which got really gay at the end of that era and started in to the 80's which is when I was born...so I guess I'll stop the daydreaming there for a while. Did you notice a pattern? Why do I insist on being an outlaw, a criminal, a gangster? lol...it's actually a really good thing I was born when I was, because in this age of technology, I'm flat out just too dumb to be a criminal...and to scared of the prison system! I'm willing to bet nobody was trying to poop chute ol' cowboys or mobsters! Nowadays prisoners seem to be totally cool with that, and that ain't for me! You ever watch lockdown? They got gay gangs in there!! NOT cool.... So, when would you choose to live, and why? P.S. Don't forget that Blogspot is complete garbage for stealing the money I rightfully earned by all you folks clicking on their adds! No good thieving scum!! Spread the word! Blogspot is made up of criminals! And the only way to get me to quit bashing them on their own page is to kick me off! Otherwise I'll bash them till I die!! I hate you Blogspot! :)

~love me some mma~

Hello friends! Last night Chris Jones put on another MMA event at the sportzone and with the company of my friend Adam we strolled out to see if we couldn't see us some a$$ whoopings! Is there really any better way to spend a Saturday night? I think not. As we mosied in to the facility, got our tickets, all that mumbo jumbo, we made our way to some seats awaiting the start of the show. We had pretty decent seats to start with, no morbidly obese people sitting next to me, nudging my arm while they eat their super chili cheese fries, no poorly disciplined children kicking our chairs or incessantly whining about wanting candy. It was looking to be a nice evening! Then in a stroke of luck Adam saw his boss who had extra seats at his table and invited us to join him! Bonus! Ringside seats are always lovely! As I often do when in public, I started looking around, just observing the people, there are always exorbitant amounts of interesting specimens at these Topeka events, and they only get more awesome as the beer starts flowing! Easily the biggest douche of the night was the fellow to our right wearing his white dress shirt only buttoned up to just below his chest with his special little dress shoes, what a straight G. Adam and I were complaining at some of the music choices made by the d.j., but not this guy, every time some terrible 80's song would come on you could see the excitement come over his face as he would quickly turn to his friend and start singing into his beer can, bobbing his head back and forth, fighting the urge to get up and dance (although once the beer kicked in he could fight the urge no longer) *sigh*...he was really quite impressed with himself, but at least the 2 of us got quite a few chuckles at his expense! As for the fights, they were pretty good overall! Definitely some good action! One old man got choked completely unconscious, always awesome. One fellow got his face smashed rather well! There were a couple interesting nicknames, "the ninja turtle", "the armadillo", "the wrestler" (which I thought was rather uncreative) lets pause and talk about "the wrestler" for a moment, his pack of followers were sitting directly behind us and cheering there guts out, understandably, and due credit "the wrestler" thumped his opponent rather well and sunk a rear naked choke (it wasn't technically the prettiest but it was effective) but after his fight his crowd (who was rather schwasted at this point) was yelling things still, things like "yeeeah! whipped hiss asss pusssyy!" "20 years old! 20 years old!" "you're the baddest mother f*****!". Now, I totally understand supporting your friends and family, but I didn't understand calling him a pussy or stating his age for all to hear...can't you just clap or something? And I will assure you he is not in fact the baddest mother f*****. If I was to choose someone from last nights catalog of fighters to give that title to, it would have easily been this cat Darion Terry, good grief, that dude is JACKED! And talented! props to the kid he fought, he did better than alot of folks would! But that Terry will be murdering people for sometime to come! Also all of the goofballs who were booing him after he won (obviously friends of the victim) are giant turds, there is no need for that garbage. Have a little class. Overall it was a good fun night, a well done show with good fights, props to the fighters and promoters for giving me some enjoyment on a Saturday evening.

~Double Down~

For the last couple of weeks or so, I've been seeing this commercial for the "Double Down chicken sandwich" from kfc. Have you seen it? It's an amazing commercial, more so the sandwich looks amazing in the commercial, which isn't really a sandwich at all. If you've been living under a rock and haven't seen it, it's two boneless chicken breasts (grilled or breaded) with bacon, Monterrey and pepper jack cheese and some delicious sauce smashed between them! WOW! Now THAT'S amazing! You can see my excitement right? So today my foreman and I were sitting there before lunch and I mentioned how I would like to try it. To my surprise he had the same excitement for it as me....well....not so much...he just wanted to try it, but never mind that! He was in to go grab one with me!! YESS! As we hopped in the truck and started driving for the nearest kfc, 21st and gage, my mouth started watering and I was imagining how tasty this poultry delight would be! CRAP! Construction on gage! seriously!?? DANGIT! "Randy, hit the lights on this truck and hop the curb dawg! This traffic is stupid! ugh!". He wouldn't....I had to wait...and wait....and wait.....and then wait at a stop light....and then wait for a dummy to come to a complete stop to turn in to subway (why do people do that, I could slit a throat it makes me so mad!) and then I waited at another light next to Arby's, smelling something awesome, only making me more excited for my "Double Down"....then I waited at the stop light by family video....finally we hit some open road....and then I had to wait at the stop light at 17th....YESSS! Traffic moving again! We approached 21st street where Randy, being the smooth operator he is, cut through spangles (I hate them for their commercials) parking lot right into the the treasure spot! KFC!! WOOT!! We wandered our way into the building, I couldn't believe it! No line!? Really!??? All this waiting and now I get an express trip to the register! BAM!! BONUS!! "Hi, welcome to kfc, what can I get you today" said a large African American lady who was extremely friendly and made my 5 minute kfc visit quite pleasant. "Ma'am, today I would like to double down! Grilled chicken please" I gave her a big crooked toothed grin. The anticipation was killing me! Could this new sandwich become my favorite guilty pleasure!? By the looks of it on the television I was almost certain it would! She went right back and made it fresh, gently placing it in a brown paper bag emblazoned with kfc logos and folded the top down nicely in hopes of keeping the heat in. "Here you are sir, one grilled chicken Double Down sandwich to go" she said with a big smile. "Thanks! You may have made my day! Have a wonderful afternoon!" As we made our way to the truck I was visibly beaming with excitement, I wanted to peep in the bag and take a gander at this potential food of the gods! I held strong, saving the surprise for when we returned to Fort Residuals. Randy barely got the truck backed in as I flung the door open and ran inside, skipping two, sometimes three steps on the way up! Each gallup sending me closer and closer to tasting my treat! I sat down next to my 52oz bubba keg filled with freshly made city water that is oh so delicious and slowly unfolded the bag gazing in as I pulled the top open. There it is...a box like you would get a big mack in....I reach in and grasp it with a soft touch as if it were the holy grail of fast food. "Here we go" I thought to myself as I lifted the lid!.....what the...wait a second....there must be a mistake...this is like half the size of the one in the commercial...what a mess....my sauce is on the outside of the...why is my cheese all stuck to the wrapper??...WHERES MY BACON!? THIS IS A BACON BIT!.....I calm myself down using zen breathing techniques...now I realize what a effin mess this thing is to eat...this whole sandwich was a terrible idea...good in theory, bad in real life! there is nothing to soak up the sauce so its obviously going to be a mess...what a crock...I ate my sandwich...sitting there in disappointment with fancy sauce covering my fingers and dripping from my mustache, my cheese stuck to the wrapper, and my half inch bacon strip gone with the first nibble...what could have been a steamy love affair has now turned in to butt sex with a fat girl on benefiber....sadly I take the last bite, wash my hands, and sigh, feeling slightly used, fairly dirty, and a little embarrassed...I start therapy sessions tomorrow.

~The Sauceman Cometh~

Well folks, I put some thought into it, and although I'm still pissed about the criminal theft on blogspots part, I've decided to go ahead and keep the blog around. I've been lacking inspiration lately, it's almost like I need to get out more and do some observing so I have something to write about! Yes, it's true, I'm a bit of a hermit, but in all fairness I do keep a rather silly schedule, up at 3:15, and in bed about 7...yeah yeah, keep all your comments to yourself, I already know its lame! Some of you may know, some of you may not, but a few years back I got ordained through Universal Ministries. How bad a$$ is that right?? Me, a Pastor, a Reverend, a Minister, call it what you'd like, I'm not to picky. The problem is, I've yet to find somebody to let me put my title to work. Come on people! Hook a Reverend up! I got skillz yo! I've seen plenty of weddings, baptisms, funerals...all that stuff, and I'm positive I could do it. It really doesn't look to tough at all. Weddings, they're all pretty much written out already! (side note, my booger of a neighbor just left with his sirens squealing...and his puppies are running loose across the street, boy I really don't care for him) You just follow the general "do you take this woman blah blah blah kiss this little hooker" kinda stuff...simple. Baptisms, shoot anyone with a little water and a bible can pull that off, maybe I'll go to Oceans of Fun and set up a booth? Sounds lucrative, and I could eat dippin dots and catch a tan while I'm at it! (I'm rather pastey...really..not cool...who wants to take me tanning? My no good EX sister bailed on me, curse her soul, and I'm to scared to go alone :P) Funerals,...well,...no I won't do those...that's sad stuff..ALTHOUGH, I've really been thinking lately about planning my own funeral and having it all notarized and stuff so that it has to be done how I want it done! (is that possible? could someone do that?) Seriously, that would be awesome! Because you know know if I for some reason croaked tomorrow, there is no way my mom and dad would would have pony rides afterwards and stripper poles on stage with booty dancers while my coffin rolled in on 26's as the sound system bumped Pimpjuice at an obnoxious level...no way...but maybe, just maybe if I planned it all out somebody would respect my wishes. I think I would like a midget to tend to the pony rides too, dressed up like a little cowboy with a curly mustache...yessss....I love it. I do however have a potential wedding, I think they don't have the nuts to go through with it, but I'm crossing my fingers! It would be in a backyard, with camouflage and hunting orange as the colors, G.I. Joes on the wedding cake, and yours truly behind the pulpit with a beverage in one of those naked chick coozies. HOT DANG! Now THAT sounds like a good time!! Tell me you wouldn't go to that wedding, shoot I'd pay $2.73 to go check out somethin like that! Seriously! I mean it would have to be as entertaining as Prairie Dog Town, and I paid like 7 bucks for that garbage! (time out...I gotta poop....)..ok I'm back. It was a decent poop, nothing to shout about. Well...I'm kinda done rambling now I think... Have a fantastic day my friends, and remember...if you see Amy Stearman, tell her she is as worthless as knowledge of rare cheeses

~i hate you blogspot~

Blast! Blast you to hell google and blogspot! I hate you both! So those of you who've been keeping up with my blog may remember that I signed up for this with the intentions of making money from folks clicking on my adds! Well now these douchers have disabled my account do to "invalid click activity"! What the crap is that!? I was up to 60 bucks and they stole it back from me! What a bunch of no good turds! I'm not so sure I have the desire to continue my blog...I will take some time and make my decision....BLOGSPOT AND GOOGLE SUCK BLOGSPOT BLOGSPOT AND GOOGLE SUCK AND GOOGLE SUCK BLOGSPOT AND GOOGLE SUCK BLOGSPOT AND GOOGLE SUCK BLOGSPOT AND GOOGLE SUCK BLOGSPOT AND GOOGLE SUCK BLOGSPOT AND GOOGLE SUCK BLOGSPOT AND GOOGLEBLOGSPOT AND GOOGLE SUCK SUCK BLOGSPOT AND GOOGLE SUCK BLOGSPOT AND GOOGLE SUCK BLOGSPOT AND GOOGLE SUCK